Wednesday, 1 April 2009

A Fool and His Seat

After two years of procrastination and after discussions with senior party officials that went into the small hours of this morning, Alex 'Two Seats' Salmond is down to one.

In an announcement due later today he will reveal that it was foolish of him to expect to represent people in both Westminster and Holyrood whilst attempting to also carry out the duties of First Minister. In that press briefing he will announcing his immediate resignation from the role as First Minister and his seat in Holyrood. After reflection on the way his party has performed of the almost two years of government he's decided he really is better suited for opposition on the green benches of the Commons as he can bluster all he wants there and nobody will ever take his ideas seriously, try to form a policy around them and fail to lay down a Paper for the perusal of Parliament.

There is also speculation that one reason was Gordon Brown's rethink on expenses. This could mean seizing back items claimed on expenses by ex-MPs that were not essential to their work, already dubbed in Westminster the 'Mandelson-Salmond Clause'. The leader of the SNP was worried that his Bung and Olufsen home movie and sound system, Chriastian Lacroix soft furnishings and Chippendale drink's fridge would all be taken as part off such new legislation. The First Minister had grown fond of these trappings in his third home which he used when visiting London to take in the West End Shows, TV chefs restaurants and the occasional pop into his Westminster Office where he occasionally accidentally stepped into the chamber.

Nicola Sturgeon is expected to be voted in as new First Minister at lunch time with Wendy Alexander as her Deputy in a deal hatched with Iain Grey.


  1. Morning Stephen, I've just read the Guardian and I see your great leader has backed Gordon Brown in his decision to have every MP strip searched when entering or leaving the Commons. It starts from tomorrow.

    Will Mr Clegg be hoping he gets a female searcher do you think?

  2. Apparently they are assigning 30 female security guards just for him.