Wednesday, 24 September 2008

If Heselband Really Wanted a Militine Moment

Overheard in a lift in Manchester was David Miliband telling an aide that he had avoided a Heseltine moment. However, mere words are not enough here is a leaked memo of some other ways to make a Heselband or is that Militine impact.

10. As a junior minister get foreign governments to agree to a entente cordiale and grand concorde indeed. But be economical with the truth while hovering over trains.

9. Set out to be a millionaire by 25, in cabinet by 35 (close we take you policy role as being thereabouts plus foreign office at 41 nice one), leader of the party by 45 and PM by 55.

8. Come up with a grand sell off scheme, council houses were Hezza's thing. So see off the Bank of England or something instead.

7. Do something to really wind up the opposition's local authorities. Hezza was empowered to circumvent local authority planning controls while at Department of Environment, lets just flood low lying Tory authorities on the East Coast and rehouse residents in run down inner cities next to "hard-working" families.

6. You need to have a big spat with the PM over something that really matter a la Westland. Maggie saved the Falklands, Hezza defended defence spending. Gordon wants to save the economy, have a blow out over banks.

5. Need a better nickname that "the boy David" after all Hezza was Tarzan. Do you have any distinguishing tattoos? Have you have more than say 30 sexual partners? We need something here David work with us. No Blakey in allusion to your early ambition to be a bus conductor doesn't do it. Needs more effort.

4. Flamboyance factor cf Hezza's mane. The photoshoot in the Times at the weekend was good. Nice image change to old dour features. Lets work on it more relaxed polo shirts, chinos, big smile. Check out which toothpaste both Barak Obama and John McCain used we may be on to a winner.

3. Need to resign from the cabinet an brew on the backbenches for a bit, but not too long, like Hezza, ready to launch a counter attack. We advise you resign in March 2010, reason something about the manifesto but you won't clarify at the time (need to see polling after the election to ascertain just what costs us the election nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Then we can brand you as the voice of change over the summer of 2010 ready to take the leaders speech at Autumn conference.

2. Need to line up some loony to take over your parliamentary seat for after you retire. One of Ken Livingston's hoard suit fit the bill.

1. Key get another senior party figure to resign first heating the fire underneath the PM like Geoffrey Howe did for Hezza's coup. Darling wouldn't have the impact as lost all respect. Jacqui Smith we've lost our file on sadly. You're at foreign office which leaves a dilemma, we suggest Jack Straw as he's probably the most respected senior figure still with any post of some clout. We'll get unto any of his people who haven't already asked about nominating you if he'd throw himself on his sword.

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