Jeffrey Donaldson launches the TUP (Theocratic Unionist Party)*

*This is a spoof news report

Speaking today on the Stephen Nolan Show Jeffrey Donaldson said he was taking a stand for the things that are Christian. Saying that he is a Christian and a politician he would say that there are certain things that are morally for the good of the people of Northern Ireland even if they are not Christians**.

He said he and the Theocratic Unionist Party would take a stand on such things that are clearly laid out in the bible on moral issues. Staring today he and his party will rid the canteen in the bowels of Stormont of prawns, lobster in line with the bibles teaching in Leviticus 11: 9-12

"These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you."

The wearing of football tops, yes even those of Rangers, Linfield and Glentoran will be banned forthwith also unless the manufacturers can prove that they are of only of one fabric. Yes shell suits shall not be allowed along as people head to the shops in Sandy Row or the Newtownards Road, nor when they turn up at the Brew to sign on. Because the TUP will be making a stand for Deuteronomy 22:11

"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together."

On the subject of clothing and in a show of all island solidarity May McFettridge John Linehan will be rounded up by the TUP and their colleagues in the Dáil will be asked to do the same with Mrs Agnes Brown Brendan O'Carroll. After all it is time that Ireland took a stand on Deuteronomy 22:5

"A woman shall not wear a man's garment, nor shall a man put on a woman's cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God."

But the highlight is this weekend is when Jeffrey Donaldson and the rest of the senior figures in the TUP go up to the Robinson household as well as the Lock Keepers Inn and take Iris and the proprietor of said premises with them down to Windsor Park where for the half time entertainment the TUP will honour Deuteronomy 22:22

"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, boththe man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel."

And now for the serious bit

Of course the DUP do not take all of the law of the bible literally. They do not enforce every therein contained with Theocratic absoluteness. Yet on abortion and gays they get particularly hung up.

On abortions which were carried out by the ancient Egyptians as well as the Greeks and Romans sometimes by a blend of herbs like an abortion pill, or sometimes with sharp implements to remove the foetus never once gets a specific mention in all the detailed laws in the bible.

Whilst they do seem to want to put any of us who lay with men to death, they do all they can to prevent us from living life to the full while claiming they are all for Britishness. Yet many Northern Irish gay men as always feel more comfortable being British elsewhere in the UK.

** This bit is not actually spoof that is more is less what he actually said.