The Ballad of Alexander and Ruslan (Let's Do It)

With apologies to the late, great Victoria Wood.

Alex and Ruslan sat one night.
The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
     The wind was soft. The moon was up.
     Alex drained his vodka cup
He licked his lips. He felt sublime.
He switched off Dacha Gardening Time.
     Ruslan cringed in fear and dread
     As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Do it while the mood is right!
                    I'm feeling
                    Exploring.
          I've really got an appetite.
          I'm on fire
          With desire.
         To see Salisbury's Cathedral's great big spire.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I believe the weather's just not right.
                    This winter
                    It's sinister
          Turns out it might snow tonight.
          No timetable!
          I'm unstable
          I'd rather watch US Apprentice on the television.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

     So he said:
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Get the train out there an boom!
                    Old Sarum,
                    Take care, um,
          Don't on any ice go zoom.
          This folly
          Is jolly.
          We not crash the plane like Buddy Holly.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          We haven't got the time of trains.
                    I'm older,
                    Feel colder.
          If not snow what happens if it rains.
         Your exploring:
          Get's boring.
          Russians in Salisbury will be left snoring.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

     So he said:
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Go and take some Novichuk!
                    On some door.
                    We'll ignore
          That's Russians live there bad luck.
          Don't spray it
          Why delay
          Vlad will always find a way to deny it.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I know I'd only get it wrong.
                    Drop bottle
                    Full throttle.
          Someone innocent will come along.
          Stop pressing.
         No messing.
          They might die as well and it'll turn depressing.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Book to nights in London town,
                    Frenetic,
                    Poetic!
          See the sights and lose your frown
          To quote Lenin,
          On bed linen,
          To roll in gay abandon thinking its the London Hilton.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          A two day trip would just look strange.
                    Train travel
                    Will unravel.
          Why didn't we just prearrange?
          We journeyed.
          Too hurried.
          You know as well as I do snow is only flurried.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it
          While I'm really GRU!
                    Dusputin'
                    Our Putin
          Writen tourist tale will ring so true.
          Live dreams
          New scenes
          Wear your baseball cap with your skinny jeans.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I must refuse under duress
                    I feel silly.
                    It's too chilly
          To go without me thermal vest.
          Don't choose me.
          Don't use me.
          Donald Trump sent a note to say you must excuse me.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I feel I absolutely must.
                    I won't exempt you,
                    Want to tempt you,
          Want to drive you to Stonehenge.
          No cautions,
          Just standing stones!
          Then buy some soup with those little croutons.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          It's really not my cup of tea.
                    I'm harassed,
                    Embarrassed.
          I wish you hadn't picked on me.
          No worries!
          Why hurry.
          The only girl I'm mad about's Edwina Currie.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I already have the Novichuk.
                    Let's flyover.
                    Wear pullover.
          We might even get some Blackpool rock.
          Be mighty.
          Not flighty.
          Do it for the good of the people's party.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I really want to feel so brave.
                    Let's go,
                    'Cause I know
          To lose the beard you can just have:
          Not delay,
          What ya say?
          Then we'll slap the "truth" on Russia Today.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!.